Tuesday, October 11, 2011

UPDATED: Drop him out a window and he’ll fall. Set fire to him and he’ll burn. Bury him and he’ll rot, like other kinds of garbage OR haters gonna hate OR I shall cut you, etc., etc.

This last Saturday was World Zombie Day and I did my bit by shooting a post-dead friendship, still quivering unhealthily smack in its head, because some people just need a high-five.


In the face.


With a chair.


Here's why - I received a wondrously sappy email from an ex-best friend. Ex, because there's a back-story somewhere in here about how he used be totally awesome, but I ended up leaving the school and moving on the other things in life (like getting a job, making a living, etc.) and then we got in touch a bazillion years later and then he got too clingy and I got properly creeped out and put an end to the friendship-gone-bonkers by getting unresponsive to which he responded by dishing out rude remarks on our mutual friends' FB and my boyfriend's phone and blardy, blardy blar.
I didn't retaliate. THAT'S how cool I am, okay.


But this email that I just received (similar to one I'd received earlier) was monumentally embarrassing. For him. I suppose that never occurred to him. It's as if he retreated to the corner of his brain where all the passive-aggressive bullshit he was so kindly bestowing upon me was stored and wiped it squeaky clean, meaning, he actually forgot the things he had said about me AND the guy I'm in love with. On fucking FB. 


I will not print the email here, but, in essence, it just re-iterated how he misses me and wants to hear my voice (which, FYI, is a fabulously-disturbing thing to tell a girl who used to be your friend) and making several choice comments about my personal life. AGAIN.


At this point, my patience has run out, but I haven't yet gone nuclear. I wrote back a short email telling him to, basically, mind his own fucking business, get a life and not contact  me again. And I'm only using the 'f''-word here, nowhere in the email did it show up (so proud of me).


Now, any decent person would leave it at that. Or maybe tell me that I'm a bitch and be done with it. Not this guy. He shoots another email my way, getting preachy. A 350-word email dedicated to ME and none of it nice and at one point he included the sentence 'although wanna say FuCk Off to you both bt wnt do that... will nt steep down to the level on which u r standing ryt nw...' (and I'm quoting here). What pissed me off wasn't the various allegations made by a snubbed boy with an ego the size of my pinky toe, but the grammar.


I mean, did us being friends teach him absolutely nothing? Zilch?


Fear not, though, for I took the matters upon myself by sending him a fully proof-read and edited copy of his email, in response. Followed by this:


"Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


As was expected, I got a passionately wound-up reply from him, beginning 'Ohh I didn't knew that this fight was abt our grammer..' and then telling me what a lowlife I am, etc., etc., closing with a 'now get lost.'


Bit rich, coming from him, don't you think?


Below is my final email to him. 




"Sorry, I couldn't find one with his tongue sticking out.

Also, *grammar*.

Tch, tch, hopeless.

This is the end of responses from me, and the beginning of being forwarded to spam for you."


I'm sure he responded in some ballistic way, but true to my word, he's now food for my overstuffed spam-box.


Moral of the story: Choose your battles carefully, because when you pick up a useless, meaningless fight with me - I WILL proof-read. Also, I will win.


As a side note: he made it pretty clear in his email that he reads the blog (which is, yay!, because I thought no one ever did), so I'm certain he may start the bitchfest here. There's only one thing I've got to say to that, really.


Bring it on, motherfucker.


P.S. Completely forgot. In honor of the (belated) World Zombie Day, here's the most-sung-ever song by Indian bands with female vocalists - Zombie (The Cranberries), but if you're looking for something 'le fresh', listen to this, and yeah, I'm the person going 'lather, rinse, repeat' in the song.


Update: No biggie, except the worm in question responded in the comments (*gasp*, *surprised*, *shocked*, et al), thusly:

Don't worry Miss Wahi, there won't be a bitch-fest here, sorry to disappoint you. You replied in the manner you know best, now I'll reply in the manner I know best. It won't be a text message, nor a phone call, not even an e-mail. I'd reply back face to face and believe me it will be a one shot K.O. 


Cutie-pie you want me to bring it on, guess what, The War Is On.
Till then enjoy your happiness.

I don't even know what's more exasperating -  the shitty punctuation, the unnecessary capitalization or the horrifying phraseology. Dear lurkers (yeah, all 4 of you), this might be a good time to come out of the shadows and edit the shit out of the comment, because I'm all tuckered out. Interpretations of the message and aspersions on the guy's personality toadally get bonus points.


Jokes apart, in all probability, the comment points in the direction of possible violence or at least a public 'scene' involving some level of humiliation. I'm not stupid. However, I'm also quite the tenacious bitch. I stand by my previous witty, albeit completely honest insults, because in words of the great Dr. Alban, "It's my life".


(That last line is also the quickest test in the world to find out if you're a 90s kid. If you have to ask how, you're not.)


Also, why is this guy still on my blog? Get off, you.


And, yeah, my last name's Wahi. Do what you will.

3 comments:

Ankit said...

Don't worry Miss Wahi, there won't be a bitch-fest here, sorry to disappoint you. You replied in the manner you know best, now I'll reply in the manner I know best. It won't be a text message, nor a phone call, not even an e-mail. I'd reply back face to face and believe me it will be a one shot K.O.
Cutie-pie you want me to bring it on, guess what, The War Is On.
Till then enjoy your happiness.

briLikethebear said...

You WOULD reply back or you WILL reply back? The contraction "I'd" is a shortening of the phrase "I would." So should she expect a response or not? Also, that is not the correct use of the word 'nor.' A 'phone call' is a noun; 'nor' should only be used if the second part of your negative is a verb.

BTW, I know I'm late on this comment. I just found your blog and although I hate for my first comment to be me acting like a bitch to a stranger, it sounds like he is being a twatwaffle.

P.S. I'm enjoying your blog immensely! =)

Crazy And Drunk said...

@briLikethebear: You rock my world and welcome. Also, do away with any guilt you feel over being a bitch immediately, else it will hinder our future projects. Like trashing Twitter-douches, for instance.